Home| Personal | Research Methodology | Adult L1 Acquisition | Provocative | ESP/TEFL | Linguistics | Pronunciation | Humour | Computing | Contact | Site Index

Home| Personal | Research Methodology | Adult L1 Acquisition | Provocative | ESP/TEFL | Linguistics | Pronunciation | Humour | Computing | Contact | Site Index

 

 

 

This one came my way from an unknown source. I have modified it to improve the linguistic content. American-English humour.

 

MESSAGE FROM, HRH THE QUEEN

 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

 

Under our mis-guided prime-minister Margaret Thatcher, we applied to become the 51st, 52nd, 53rd 54th and 55th states of America. This application is hereby withdrawn.

 

Instead, in the light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

 

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

 

I have already appointed Ken Livingstone, former Mayor of London to be your minister of transport with responsibility for taxing and restricting cars and putting the money so raised into supporting public transport. America will re-discover the train and all cities will be linked by super-fast trains by 2015. Modern superfast trains will replace intercity planes by 2020.

 

Polite notice: Mr Livingstone is best received by a chauffeur  cycling a tandem.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

---------------------

3. You will learn to speak clearly. This means keeping your short vowels short and your long vowels long. It will also mean clearly pronouncing the /t/ so that it is not heard as a /d/.

-------------------

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse..

----------------------

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

---------------------

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)..

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

---------------

16. You will learn International (British) table manners. You will learn to use a knife and fork correctly: the fork belongs in the left hand - never the right hand. In addition, the fork is used for peas and other small items in such a way that the outer, concave surface carries the peas, not the inside surface. You must master this skill - it is part of being cultivated.

--------------------------------

17. Sanity will prevail in your efforts to save American lives. Your excessive paranoia has already been diagnosed as almost incurable and requiring hospitalisation. Instead of your incessant worry about outside threats you will deal easily and cheaply with obvious real threats to life within your country. In this way the lives of over two million American citizens per year will be saved.

a.  Since 99% of abortions are medically unnecessary, they will cease, with immediate effect. In this way over two million American lives per year will be saved. I hereby declare all those involved in the abortion industry to be criminals and mass murderers. But I have chosen to exercise my royal prerogative and I am willing to pardon all concerned provided they make a solemn re-commitment to “do no harm” to their patients - including the unborn.

 

b.  Drinking and driving is the equivalent of being in public with intent to kill or do grievous bodily harm. As a concession and a money saving method, anyone caught drinking and driving will first  lose their licence to drive for only five years. If they repeat the offence they will be treated to the full weight of the law of ‘intent to murder’. Anyone under the influence of drink who kills another person will be tried and punished as a murderer.  In this way, with little cost to the public purse, road deaths should be reduced by 20-40 percent.

 

Once you have dealt with these obvious threats you can get on with tackling other less urgent threats

-----------------

18. To encourage Americans to eat sensibly and to cope with their problem of superfluous fat my government will publish tables of ideal height and weight. At airports all passengers will be weighed. Anyone exceeding the 75th percentile will receive an excess fat charge of 2% of the fare paid per kilo per flight. Since the combined weight - luggage, person, and clothes is being charge for, there is no advantage to arriving at the airport scantily clad.  In addition, any passenger above the 90th percentile will be obliged to travel first class or to pay for two seats.

----------------

19. A personal excess weight tax will also be implemented - the flab tax. All persons liable to income tax will be weighed annually, and an additional tax will be levied of 1% per kilo of excess fat. The money so raised will be divided between:

a.  food and health in countries where the majority are grossly underweight.

b.  Financing health insurance.

 

20. Everyone who renounces smoking and drinking, and who is not fat, will receive free health care.

 

--------------

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!